Bound Reflections
by Carlyn
Part 12

Back to Part 11

-34-

'"Work half days,"' he says, "Occupy your mind,"' Jack's brain laughed mirthlessly. He stared with veiled detachment at Lieutenant Sutter's lips, which moved endlessly, spewing out the technical details of a planned virtual reality training program that wouldn't have interested Jack even if he weren't preoccupied worrying about Daniel.

Surreptitiously glancing at his watch, Jack rolled his eyes upward, past the military geek droning on about servers, artificial intelligence and biometrics — accompanied by visual aids, no less. Bringing his eyelids down over the dull grey nothingness of the ceiling, he opened them quickly when an image of Daniel coalesced in the black nothingness that resulted. He let loose a world-weary sigh, barely managing to keep his moan of discontent under his breath.

Swinging his gaze to the right, he shot a dirty look at Carter, who watched him disapprovingly.

'Daniel is so gonna owe me for this,' Jack complained silently. Leaning back in the tall chair that had been pulled up to the lab table for him, Jack swept a hand over his numb-with-boredom face, pausing to allow his thumb and middle finger to gently massage his temples.

Hammond had been scheduled to sit in on this meeting of the "science geeks club," but when Jack had shown up this morning to inform the general that he would be working a few hours, Hammond had — with what Jack swore was a gleeful smirk — handed over a file and directed him to Science Lab 3.

'That should have been your first clue,' Jack chided himself.

Dropping his hand into his lap, Jack released an exasperated breath that drew the attention of Dr. Lee and two other white lab-coated civilians sitting with him. Sending the same glare that he'd leveled on Carter, Jack grinned in satisfaction as the three flinched and turned back to the front of the room.

He looked again at his watch. 1002 hours. 'Assuming Dr. Meck is a stickler for punctuality, Daniel should have met the good doctor by now.' His thoughts having turned to his partner, Jack decided to send a few good ones Daniel's way, 'Ah, Danny, I hope you get everything you're hoping for out of this.'

Recalling Daniel's eerily giddy anticipation as his lover chased him out the door to work, Jack wondered, not for the first time this morning, whether Daniel was, as it seemed, honestly eager to meet with the psychiatrist or was merely trying too hard to mask feelings of dread.

Jack's lips twisted with irritation at the memory of getting up at 0330 to use the bathroom and finding Daniel slumped in their bed, barely opened eyes doggedly scanning the information he and Carter had culled from the mounds of material delivered from base. Even pared down, the particulars Daniel thought of as essential filled a good-sized portion of a brand new legal pad.

Sensing a change in the atmosphere, Jack dragged himself away from his worry about Daniel and returned his mind to the meeting. Blinking heavily to resolve the images from his head into the real time images in the room, Jack was taken aback to see six sets of eyes, half of them bespectacled, looking at him expectantly.

"Sir," Carter prodded, jerking her eyes to the end of the table.

Jack started, and followed her gaze to Lieutenant Sutter, who stood stiffly next to the video screen, looking like nothing so much as a puppy waiting for an approving pat on the head. Ignoring the fact that he had been caught napping, Jack bolted to his feet, applauding enthusiastically. "Thank you, Lieutenant. A most excellent presentation. Now, unless there are any questions —"

"Actually, Colonel," Bill Lee cut in, sliding off the edge of his own stool, "we have a Power Point presentation on the practical applications of this technology which explains how it actually interfaces with the user's brain to make the simulations more realistic."

Staring through the man, his clap becoming more of an impatient colliding of his fingertips, Jack smiled tightly and muttered under his breath, "Of course you do."

He fell back into his chair, swung pained eyes to Carter, and glanced at his watch. 1016. Less than two hours to go.

'Except Lee has a tendency to wander far afield of his intended topic,' Jack moaned inwardly, checking his watch once again. 'They have to break for lunch though, right?'

With much prodding, Dr. Lee managed to finish his presentation in just under two hours. Glassy-eyed, Jack reported to the general that he thought the project worthy of further exploration — wholly trusting Carter's opinion in that respect — and quickly made his way to the surface, and home.

The house was quiet. Too quiet.

"Hey, Daniel," Jack called into the stillness.

Closing the door behind him, Jack peeked into the dining room before descending the stairs to the living room. He stopped suddenly, not expecting to find his partner reclining on the couch, injured leg propped up on the coffee table. His intense blue eyes seemed fixated on the white toes peeking from beneath the plaster on his right foot.

"Hey," Jack greeted mildly. "Why didn't you answer?"

Daniel slowly raised his eyes. "Sorry," he muttered, before again focusing on his foot.

Jack raised his brows, openly regarding Daniel's distracted mien for a moment. Deciding with uncharacteristic patience that Daniel needed a little time to himself, he crooked a thumb over his shoulder.

"I'm gonna take a quick shower. I spent a lot of time in a small room full of scientists this morning." He frowned when the comment got no response, not even a disagreeable tightening of his lover's jaw. "You want lunch after?"

Without looking up this time, Daniel answered, "Sure."

"Okay, be right back." Jack watched Daniel for another few moments before pivoting smartly and heading for the bedroom.

Jack spent too long under the pounding water to rightly describe his shower as quick, but, upon leaving Daniel to his musings, he discovered he needed time to get himself together, too. There was a fine line between easing information out of Daniel and downright badgering the poor guy. And Jack naturally tended more towards the hard ass approach, so he needed to adjust his mindset.

Scrubbing a towel roughly over his silver locks, he tossed it across the shower rod and changed into the sweats he'd gotten from his dresser.

Rounding the corner into the dining room, he peeked over the partition into the living room. Spying Daniel's foot still resting on the coffee table, he continued into the kitchen. Taking out the huge pot of soup he'd thrown together the day before, he ladled a healthy serving for each of them into a smaller pot, and set it on a low flame.

Absently wiping his hands on a kitchen towel, he blew out a calming breath and went to confront his archaeologist.

This time Daniel's eyes tracked Jack's movements from the moment the older man set foot on the living room floor. Daniel's arms were wrapped around his middle and Jack noted with displeasure that they tightened incrementally with each step he took in Daniel's direction.

Standing over his lover, brow pulled slightly downward at the fatigued dullness of the blue eyes, Jack pointed to the spot next to Daniel. "Mind if I sit down?"

One long, lithe finger flicked out from behind Daniel's arm in a noncommittal gesture at the cushion.

Interpreting the motion in the affirmative, Jack turned sideways, raised his right knee, and carefully settled himself on his hip, facing Daniel. Thinking it best to let Daniel start the conversation, he quickly abandoned that plan when the younger man said nothing.

"Soup'll be read in fifteen minutes or so," Jack finally said conversationally. "Anything you'd like to talk about in the meantime?" 'Oh that was subtle, O'Neill,' he sneered inwardly.

Daniel's lips twitched an indulgent grin. "Not unless you want to hear about my appointment with Dr. Meck."

Jack shrugged casually. "Yeah, okay, if you wanna talk about that, I'll listen."

The grin broadened minutely before it disappeared. Daniel twisted towards Jack, pushing his left shoulder into the back of the couch. He moved closer, but still did not seek eye contact.

"There's not much to tell, really," he sighed softly. "It was the first session — a meet and greet, basically. I gave him my history, we briefly discussed what happened and set the schedule for subsequent sessions."

Jack reached a tentative hand towards the ones Daniel had folded in his lap. As Jack's hand approached, the fingers uncurled and Daniel accepted the proffered gesture of support, gently gripping Jack's hand in his own.

"Um, we discussed ways to manage the flashbacks, and he had some suggestions for dealing with the nightmares." Daniel smiled, though it was decidedly unconvincing. "I told him that I'd been dealing with nightmares most of my life and figured I might teach him a thing or two in that respect."

Jack flashed a half-hearted grin when Daniel's eyes peeped fleetingly in his direction.

"Thankfully, he doesn't think my tragic childhood has any real significance to my current situation, so I'll mostly be spared that trip down memory lane."

"Um hmm," Jack responded, wanting to let Daniel know he was interested, but not wanting to break the younger man's flow.

"Of course, we'll have to get deeply into my 'relationship' with Sarah." Daniel's eyes flitted up to meet Jack's. "He did say he'd like to see her psychiatric eval. Think the SGC will release it?"

"If it'll help you, Daniel, they'll release the secrets of the Stargate itself," Jack stated with assurance.

Breathing a grateful sigh, Daniel repositioned himself, resting his forehead against Jack's temple. He relaxed into the contact for a minute, shifting his focus to Jack's thumb which gently glided over the back of his hand.

"I told him about us, too," Daniel said quietly.

"I expected as much," Jack returned. He thumped the caressing thumb on the back of Daniel's hand to get the younger man's attention. "And I don't want you to worry about me. Tell him whatever you need to. This is about you and your recovery."

Pulling back slightly when Jack turned to face him, Daniel whispered, "Okay." He again lifted his eyes to his partner's, smiling gently before he touched dry lips to Jack's slightly opened mouth.

As though the gesture were some sort of cue, the men adjusted their holds, winding their arms possessively around each other. Lifting a hand behind Daniel's back, Jack guided the younger man's head to his shoulder, squeezing his lover tenderly.

They had been settled in this mutually consoling embrace for several minutes when Jack stirred. "Sorry to interrupt this 'moment' we're having here, but if I don't take that soup off the burner, we'll end up entertaining the fire department for the afternoon."

Daniel huffed a small laugh and reluctantly let go.

Grunting, Jack pushed himself awkwardly to his feet. "You wanna come to the dining room or should I bring a tray in here?"

Daniel slowly lowered his damaged leg from the coffee table, groaning softly as still stiff muscles complained bitterly. "If I don't get off this couch now," he groused, "you may have to bring me all of my meals for the rest of the week."

Swinging his gaze around, Jack located Daniel's crutches against the end of the couch. He gripped them with one hand, extending the other to his lover. Waiting for Daniel to get himself properly situated, Jack gently tugged the younger man upward, propping him up with a crutch under each armpit.

"I'm gonna go set the table," Jack said, steadying Daniel's slightly wobbly form with a firm squeeze to his shoulder. "You'll be okay?"

"Yeah, fine," Daniel gasped lightly. "But if I'm not there in thirty minutes, send a rescue team."

"You got it." Jack grinned and released his grip, but his hand hovered over Daniel's shoulder for a few seconds longer. Finally convinced his lover would stay upright without his assistance, Jack scooted out to the kitchen, snatching the soup off the flame just as it started to boil in earnest.

"Damn it," he snarled, grabbing a spoon to stir the bubbling mixture.

"Problem?" Daniel's strained voice called from the living room.

"No," Jack sighed, then realizing Daniel wouldn't hear him, he moved back towards his lover's last known location, saying a bit louder, "The soup got hotter than I wanted, is all. We'll just have to wait a bit for it to cool."

"That's not a problem," Daniel puffed from the bottom of the steps where he'd stalled.

Eyes softening in sympathy, Jack gestured at Daniel's rigid form. "This is gonna take a while, isn't it?"

Daniel abandoned his pretense, drooping heavily against the crutches. "Oh, yeah," he confirmed on a released breath. "I think I've overextended myself these last couple of days."

"Ya think?" Jack smirked. "You want me to get behind and push?"

Daniel's eyes rolled slightly, evidence that he was considering a number of snarky retorts. In the end he dismissed them all. "I might need a slight boost to get me over this hurdle," he conceded unhappily, hopping sideways to give Jack room to get by him.

"You know if you'd gotten more than a few hours of sleep last night, you might not be so wiped out today," Jack reprimanded, worry taking the harshness out of his words. He took the crutch Daniel relinquished to his care and waited for his lover to drape a long arm over his shoulder.

Looking askance at the older man, Daniel grunted as they ascended the first step. "Aren't you the same guy who told me to give myself a break? That it was gonna take some time to get back to normal after what I've been through?"

"All of that is true," Jack agreed, concentrating on placing his foot squarely on the next step, "however, I don't think staying up till the wee hours helped your cause."

Daniel moaned. "I'm just out of shape. Once I start physical therapy, things'll get easier."

"Hmm hmm," Jack hummed, clearly not convinced. Carefully negotiating the last step, Jack made sure Daniel was securely situated on the landing. Keeping a supporting hold on his lover's hip, he moved back and handed over the crutch, releasing his grip only after he was sure Daniel wouldn't collapse on the spot.

"Can you make it the rest of the way?" he asked, trying very hard to keep all skepticism from his voice.

"I'll be fine, thanks," Daniel replied confidently. "Why don't you go get that soup on the table? I've worked up an appetite here."

By the time Daniel limped to the table, Jack had two steaming bowls of homemade soup, napkins and spoons on the table. He came through the kitchen doorway, a glass of milk in each hand and a sleeve of crackers tucked between his elbow and his waist.

"Hey. Glad you could join me." Setting the milk on the table, he gripped the back of Daniel's chair, guiding the younger man in with a gentle hand on his upper arm.

"Wow, this smells good," Daniel said after an appreciative sniff.

"It might still be a bit hot. I could put an ice cube in it if you want." Jack leaned Daniel's crutches against the china cabinet and seated himself at the head of the table.

"You're talking to the guy who drinks coffee directly off the campfire," Daniel reminded him with mock offense.

Jack smiled. "I thought you just ignored the scalded throat so you could get your caffeine fix."

Daniel paused, his spoon on the edge of his lips. "Well, there is that," he conceded.

Taking an experimental sip, Daniel crammed the spoon into his mouth then quickly dug in for more.

"I hate to kill your momentum, seeing as how you're actually eating with any kind of enthusiasm, but maybe you should slow down a bit before you choke. Here have a cracker." Jack offered the opened end of the sleeve.

Wiping the dribble from his chin with the heel of his hand, Daniel fished three crackers from the package.

"So," Jack began conversationally, watching with fascination, as he always did, when Daniel dipped the edge of the cracker in his bowl, the way other people dip cookies in milk. "You like this Dr. Meck?"

Daniel bit off the wet end of the cracker, chewing slowly. "Yeah, I do," he replied once he swallowed.

"That's good. When do you go back?"

Daniel swished the remains of his cracker through the soup, finally dropping it into the bowl when it became too saturated to hang on to. His hand thumped softly on the table.

"He wants to see me again on Wednesday... and Friday." Lifting his eyes, he quickly passed his gaze over Jack's concerned countenance and returned them to his bowl, seemingly fixated on the bits of cracker floating there. "Three times a week for the next three weeks, then we'll see from there," he concluded.

Jack settled his spoon carefully into his bowl. Gently clearing his throat, he laid a hand over Daniel's. "Okay, well, if that's what the doc says you need to do, then that's what we'll do," Jack said supportively.

"He wants to see you, too, you know, eventually."

"Yeah, I know," Jack said evenly. "Is he gonna call me, or will you deliver the message, or what?"

Daniel looked up sharply, blinking his surprise. "Just like that? You're gonna do it without an argument?"

"God, yeah, Daniel." Jack tightened his grip on his lover's hand. "I freely admit psychiatrists aren't my favorite people, especially after what happened to you during that whole Machello's bugs thing. "

Daniel shook his head. "Dr. McKenzie isn't evil, Jack. He was just misguided."

"I know, you said that before." Jack flicked his hand as though tossing the subject of McKenzie behind him. "That doesn't boost my confidence in psychiatrists. But, you seem convinced that this Dr. Meck can help you. And if helping you means I have to get my head shrunk, too..." Jack smirked and shrugged nonchalantly.

Turning his gaze on Daniel, his eyes dark and penetrating, glistening with emotion, Jack added softly. "You know I'd do anything for you."

Daniel sighed brokenly, resolutely holding back the moisture pooling perceptibly in the corners of his own eyes. "Yeah, I do," he whispered, slipping his hand from beneath Jack's to cup his lover's jaw. Skimming his thumb over a spot Jack had apparently missed when shaving that morning, Daniel smiled. "You take such good care of me."

As Jack stared into the much-loved blue depths, suddenly the scene became far too familiar. Knowing the intimate touch would inevitably lead to desire that he was not free to act upon, Jack clasped the hand on his chin, and pulling it to his mouth for a quick kiss, gently settled it back on the table. "Not doin' such a good job right now," he moaned in self-admonishment, praying that Daniel hadn't caught on to the real cause of his change in mood. "You should eat before that soup gets cold."

"Yes, mom," Daniel grinned mischievously, wrapping his hand around his spoon.

Taking a moment to compose himself, Jack finished his meal and, pushing away from the table, snagged his bowl and reached for the one Daniel had drained.

"You want more?"

Daniel pulled his glass away from his mouth, quickly obliterating his milk mustache with his napkin. Holding the empty glass in Jack's direction, he shook his head. "No. This was good, thanks."

Jack stacked Daniel's bowl on top of his own and gripped the edge of Daniel's glass with his thumb and forefinger. Hooking his remaining fingers into the top of his own glass, Jack carried the whole lot back to the kitchen.

Running water over the dirty dishes, Jack wiped his hands on a dishtowel, tossing the cloth over his shoulder before returning to the dining room. "I'm gonna clean up in here. You wanna go back to the couch?"

Daniel glanced up from the napkin he was shredding. Self-consciously squeezing the paper into a tight ball, he considered the question for a second.

"No, you know what, the couch is too far from the bathroom. Mind if I hang out in the bedroom?"

"Sure," Jack shrugged. "There's no TV in there, though... which doesn't bother you in the least," he added when Daniel pulled a wry face.

As Daniel slid his chair out, Jack snagged the crutches, tucking them into Daniel's armpits when the younger man got to his feet. Pulling the vacated chair behind him so that Daniel didn't get the crutches tangled up in the legs, Jack reached towards Daniel's waistband when the other man swayed.

"Okay, take it slow, huh?"

"Slow," Daniel said distractedly. "Right."

Despite his shaky start, Daniel made it down the hallway without mishap and, after a stop in the bathroom, eased himself onto the mattress, dropping his crutches on the floor under his feet.

Covertly watching his lover, Jack walked over and pulled the curtains open. Turning, he noted how the brilliant light of the afternoon sun enhanced the lines of fatigue on Daniel's worn features.

"You wanna take a nap?" Jack suggested mildly. "I could leave these closed."

Resting back on his left elbow, body twisted to reach the pillow on the opposite side of the bed, Daniel swung his head around at the innocent sounding question, vividly recalling the numerous times that particular invitation had led to a midday romp in the sack.

Turning quickly away, Daniel gripped the pillow more firmly than was necessary, yanked it forward and placed it against its mate. Pushing himself upright, he schooled his features, showing none of the ill-ease Jack's query had generated.

"No, not just now. Um, would you mind bringing me some coffee?"

Shifting his butt, Daniel bent his right knee and reaching out, assisted his casted foot onto the bed. He used the slight momentum of his left heel pushing off the floor to propel him back into the pillows, stretching both legs out in front of him. Feeling Jack's suspicious gaze on him, he lifted his book from the bedside table and opened it, making a show of raking the pages with his eyes.

"Yeah, okay," Jack finally said. "One cup of coffee."

Daniel looked up and grinned, noting Jack had emphasized the 'one.' "Thanks," he responded, returning his attention to the book.

Jack eyed his lover for just a second more then walked quietly from the room.

Lowering his book, Daniel sighed. Chances were Jack's suggestion of a nap was nothing more than Jack's attempt to get his lover to rest. But the words had planted a seed of discontent in Daniel, a keenly felt need to put the tragedies of the past few weeks behind him and reclaim the life he and Jack had been building before Sarah and Osiris managed to ruin it all. It was a need he felt on Jack's behalf as well as his own — doubling his resolve.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Daniel whispered a promise for them both. "The next time you extend that invitation, Jack, I'll be ready."

-35-

"How are things at home?"

Daniel glanced up from the thumbnail digging at the cuticle of his index finger and smiled faintly at his therapist.

"Fine."

"Daniel, you're a linguist. Surely you can do better than monosyllabic responses." Dr. Meck settled back in his chair, his constant gaze discerning without appearing intrusive.

Daniel pulled an uneasy smile. "Strained. Oh, wait. That's just one syllable, too. Sorry."

"No, that's good. It might be a single word, but it's much more telling than 'fine.' Do you want to elaborate? Why did you choose 'strained?'

Sighing, Daniel shifted in his chair. Bringing one agitated hand to his face, he fingered his bottom lip. "I've been coming here for how many weeks now?" Suddenly conscious of the nervous fidgeting, he dropped his hand into his lap and swept his tongue over his lip. "I know it's helping," he said, clearing his throat of his ill-ease. "I still have nightmares sometimes, but that's nothing new. And I've gotten control over the flashbacks."

"But?" Leaning forward, Dr. Meck glanced at his tablet and made a notation. Given his choice of settings, Daniel had decided he was most comfortable with the doctor behind his desk, concluding it would feel more like a briefing in General Hammond's office than a therapy session.

"I'm still not getting an... um, any cooperation from..." Daniel gestured vaguely at his lap.

"You can say it, Daniel. You're still not getting an erection."

Daniel ducked his head, hoping the dim lighting would mask the flush taking over his upper body.

"I know you're uncomfortable saying it. Most men are. But just as I explained when we discussed the importance of vocalizing that you were raped, the first step towards getting past this hurdle in your recovery is to admit it exists."

Without lifting his head, Daniel screwed up his face and gritted out, "I'm still not getting an erection."

"Okay. Any idea why that is?"

Daniel's head shot up, his incredulous gape holding a hint of anger. "Aren't you supposed to tell me?"

"You know it doesn't work like that."

Lifting one corner of his mouth in a disgruntled smirk, after a moment Daniel sighed. "I want to resume my sex life with Jack. I want it so badly sometimes it's like a physical ache."

Dr. Meck nodded, a move Daniel had quickly learned meant that the psychiatrist was listening and he should just continue talking. Skirting his gaze from the doctor's suddenly too-piercing stare, he submitted to the silent prod.

"I've initiated some touching... and while Jack's understandably cautious, he's been receptive."

"You were afraid he wouldn't be?"

Daniel's eyes darted back to Meck's. "I've never doubted Jack's love for me," he said definitively. His gaze falling to the edge of the desk, he added quietly. "Even if I sometimes wonder why he bothers."

Meck made another quick note. "Daniel, we've only been working together six weeks. You'd actually made remarkable progress even before our first session. It's very rare that a rape victim will tolerate the intimacy you've already allowed Jack."

"It's not enough," Daniel declared. "I want to make love with Jack again. I refuse to settle for less."

"If you want it as badly as that, why do you think you can't achieve an erection?"

Daniel's brows gathered over irritated blue eyes. He set his mouth in a tense pout and shot the doctor a look he usually reserved for Jack at his most annoying. "This is quite a racket you have here. You get paid a substantial fee but I'm the one who has to answer all the tough questions."

Dr. Meck smiled vaguely.

Chuffing an aggravated snort, Daniel met the doctor's even gaze. "I don't know."

"Okay. Why do you think Jack shouldn't love you?"

Daniel blinked, his hard-fought-for composure evaporating. Distantly, he felt a smile tug at his lips. "What?" he scoffed, automatic defenses kicking in.

"You believe Jack's love is true, yet you seem to be having difficulty accepting it. You even said you wonder why he bothers loving you."

Pulling a face, when he realized that Dr. Meck had zeroed in on that throw away remark, Daniel stared at his hands.

"Daniel? How long have you felt that you don't deserve to be loved?"

Chewing on the inside of his lip, Daniel rotated his neck, hoping to ease some of the tension he felt building there. He raised wary eyes to Dr. Meck's, just touching the attentive green orbs before retreating to the desktop.

He sighed heavily. "I've wondered most of my life if I'm worth the effort," he began quietly. "I mean, I don't make it easy and so few people have tried... Then Sarah..." Daniel's recitation stumbled to a halt, his eyes drifting down to his lap and the thumbnail that again chipped away at his cuticles.

Dr. Meck softly cleared his throat and Daniel looked up.

"Why don't you tell me more about your time with Sarah Gardner," the doctor prompted.

"O'Neill."

"Hey, T," Jack enthusiastically greeted his Jaffa friend back from his extended visit with Ishta. "Welcome home."

"It is good to be home. How is Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c asked, lowering himself into the visitor's chair in Jack's office.

"He's okay," Jack replied. "He's settled into a routine now with Dr. Meck. He's there now, as a matter of fact."

Jack slunk down in his chair, and launched his pencil towards the can on the corner of his desk. Smirking discontentedly when it bounced off the rim, rolled across the desktop and tumbled over the edge, he cut his eyes to Teal'c's attentive regard.

"He seems to like the guy. He says he's able to talk with him." Considering this fact for a second, Jack dropped his eyes to his desk. "The thing is, I've come home a few times and found him in a really pensive funk. And lately..."

The eyes shot abruptly upward, blinking once. Flashing an uneasy smile at Teal'c's inquisitive frown, Jack waved the thought away. "I just hope this guy's actually doing him some good."

"Has Daniel Jackson returned to work?" Teal'c redirected slightly.

"Yeah, last week," he confirmed. "Just in time, too. He was starting to make me nuts. Doc wouldn't even consider letting him come back to work until he'd finished physical therapy. Even now she's only agreed to let him work part time.

"An airman's bringing him here at noon. I make sure he gets lunch then take him home at night after his four hours are up." Shifting restlessly, Jack huffed an irritated breath. "Which has been working fine, but once we start going through the gate again..."

"Daniel Jackson fully supported General Hammond's conclusion that SG-1 should resume its customary place in the rotation of off-world missions, O'Neill. Was it not he who recommended Dr. Sweeney as his temporary replacement?"

"I know," Jack grudgingly conceded, clearly unhappy with the reminder. "I talked with Fraiser and Hammond and for the next few weeks the guards upstairs are gonna be under strict orders not to let Daniel in before 1300. And, on those nights when I'm not around, the general has volunteered to personally walk him to the surface at 1700."

"Daniel Jackson will be dissatisfied with this arrangement O'Neill."

"Don't I know it. He's already tried to stretch his time in his office beyond the approved four hours. And even when he gets home, he still runs those squiggles through his head until midnight or later." Shaking his head, Jack groused, "I don't know why I fight him. I should just let him work himself into a stupor; then he'll have to deal with the wrath of Fraiser." His mouth ticked irritably to the side. "Except that she'd likely come after me for not watching him more closely."

Apparently having no sage advice to offer on the topic of placating an angry CMO, Teal'c bent smoothly and retrieved the pencil from the floor. "I have distracted you long enough, O'Neill," he rumbled, handing the pencil over to a decidedly ungrateful recipient. "I shall leave you to your budget reports. Please inform Daniel Jackson that I look forward to seeing him back in his office."

"Yeah, thanks." Dropping the pencil on the desk, Jack waved his friend out the door.

Drawing a deep breath, Jack shifted his attention back to his desktop. Sitting stiffly, he snatched the folder open and stared at the lines of letters and numbers that represented the receipts and expenditures for SGC operations.

It wasn't long before the page blurred and Jack's inner eye turned, inexorably, to Daniel. Jack had only touched on his concerns about Daniel's recovery with Teal'c, quickly derailing his unintended disclosure that, very recently, Daniel had shown an alarming determination to resume the physical part of their relationship. A step the younger man was decidedly ill-prepared to take.

Groaning, Jack recalled the troubling events he couldn't bring himself to share with his friend.

// Lungs straining, Jack pressed gently but firmly against Daniel's bare shoulder, lifting his lover's weight from his chest. Snapping his head to the side, separating their mouths, Jack dug his elbows into the couch and struggled to a vertical position.

"Daniel," he gasped, "you need to let me breathe." Pulling two quick drafts of air, he added, "I think maybe you need to take a breath, too."

A sloppy grin pulling at his mouth, Daniel gazed at Jack through eyes black with passion. "I'm breathing just fine, thanks," he panted. Skimming his fingers along Jack's exposed chest, Daniel pounced, but before his lips could meet Jack's, a hand shot out and halted his forward progress.

"I meant maybe you should take a minute and really consider if you want this just now."

"I want you," Daniel growled. Leaning intently into the hastily placed barrier, he again pressed his lover back into the cushions.

"Daniel," Jack cautioned before his words were smothered by his lover's kiss-swollen lips. He moaned, unable to stop himself, when Daniel's tongue swept across his mouth, seeking entry. Yielding to the entreaty, Jack parted his lips, instantly reeling from the sensations elicited by the hot, thick, fleshy organ invading, seemingly trying to possess, him.

Impulsively, Jack applied gentle suction, drawing Daniel further in. At the same time, he reached out, wrapping his arms around his love's strong shoulders, pulling him closer.

Daniel relaxed into the hold, a strangled whimper escaping between their tightly sealed mouths. Careful not to disturb the kiss, Daniel shifted to his knees and straddled Jack's leg, pressing his groin into the strong thigh.

Jack was nearly overwhelmed by the intensity of Daniel's ardor, barely able to keep up with the kissing and groping.

Inexplicably, Daniel let loose an exasperated cry and lurched upward, the urgency and force of his movement ripping him from Jack's grasp. Rolling away, he slid off the couch, landing on his ass with a solid thump on the living room floor.

"What the hell?" Jack wheezed. Sprawled across the cushions, he flailed at the back of the couch and hauled himself upright. His brows drawn, his mouth a troubled line, Jack extended his hand towards Daniel, an offer of assistance.

Daniel stared at the hand a moment, his face unreadable. Closing his eyes, he lowered his head, shaking it from side to side.

Reeling the hand back in, Jack gave his partner a hard assessment. "Daniel?"

Daniel shuddered. Snatching off his glasses, he buried his face in his hand, the spectacles dangling from his index finger. His shoulders shook, his back expanding and collapsing rapidly as his respirations increased. His breath hitched and just detectable over his gasps, he muttered nonsensically into his palm.

Scooting to the edge of the couch, Jack again extended his hand, stopping just short of touching Daniel's shoulder. "Hey, you okay?"

Daniel pulled a deep, tremulous breath. Lifting his head, he swiped his knuckles under his eyes. "Well, that was a spectacular failure," he laughed bitterly. He rubbed at his eye again, his body shaking with suppressed snickers.

Jack watched the younger man, his eyes narrowed in concern by the unexpected reaction. Snagging Daniel's tee shirt from the back of the couch, he held it before his lover's pained face. "Put this back on before you catch a chill," he ordered, the tone leaving no room for argument.

Staring at the shirt for just long enough that Jack thought he might argue anyway, Daniel finally took it, quickly wiping his face with the hem before pulling the shirt over his head. He scrubbed a hand through his hair then placed his glasses back on the bridge of his nose.

Once Daniel had himself together, Jack offered softly, "You didn't fail, Daniel."

"Nothing happened, Jack," the younger man snapped.

Jack gaped dumbly then purposefully closed his mouth. Having no fitting response for Daniel's confession, Jack sat in silence, his eyes never leaving his lover's dejected form.

After a moment, Daniel stirred. Frowning, he sighed heavily. "Well, Dr. Meck said sexual dysfunction is to be expected."

Jack's brows jerked in surprise. "Sexual dysfunction? He actually called it that?"

"Would you prefer something more generic? Performance anxiety, maybe?" Daniel snarked. He sobered almost immediately, huffing a sigh. "It is what it is, Jack, a disturbance of sexual functioning."

Jack's shoulder lifted, and his mouth slid sideways in a chagrined smirk.  Groaning, he slid off the couch and onto his knees. Swiveling his hips, he fell gracelessly to his backside.

Glancing up at Daniel, he noted the younger man's eyes dart across his chest and reflexively pulled the ends of his shirt together. Fumbling for buttons that were no longer affixed to the shirt, Jack settled for crossing his arms against the gap to keep it closed.

Daniel smiled softly, his gaze wandering to his lover's face. Lifting his hand, he caressed the thin lips with his fingertips. "It is a hopeful sign that I still enjoy touching and even kissing." The hand fell against Jack's chest. "It's just the... follow through that I'm having a little bit of trouble with."

Laying his hand on top of Daniel's, Jack squeezed tenderly. "And that's just gonna take some time, Daniel, don't sweat it so much."

Daniel ducked his head, but not before Jack saw his brows gathered worriedly over the bridge of his nose. "I asked Dr. Meck point blank how long he thought it might be before I'd be able to have sex again." He sighed tiredly as Jack's hold on his hand tightened supportively. "He said that for the first six to eight months after an attack most rape victims can't function normally."

"There, you see," Jack said encouragingly. "It's only been two months."

"And some rape victims are never able to respond." Daniel finished in a strangled whisper.

"Hey." Jack slid his hand from Daniel's and placed it under the younger man's chin, raising his face until their eyes met. "Our relationship is not just about sex. I'm not gonna leave you, Daniel, so you can put that worry out of your head." Nodding at Daniel's thankful smile, he continued, "And as for..." his eyes dropped quickly to Daniel's lap then shot back up to his partner's face, "yeah, Janet told me that some guys never recover. But you're not some guys, Daniel. You are the most determined, stubborn, obstinate..." he trailed off when Daniel's brows lifted and his mouth puckered in protest. "When you put your mind to something, you get results. That's all I'm sayin'."

Smiling tightly, Daniel bowed his head and sniffed once. His head bobbed in apparent harmony with Jack's assessment, but when Daniel sat up, his eyes held none of the hope Jack had offered. //

Jack blinked, Daniel's grim smile resolving into the paperwork set before him. Glancing at his watch, he called upon his military discipline to shake off thoughts of Daniel and concentrate on his job. With a resolute grunt, he focused on the contents of the folder, thankful for once to have such a mind-numbing activity to occupy him.

Within minutes, he was so deeply entangled in the budget figures that he jolted, thoroughly un-colonel-like, when the phone rang.

"O'Neill," Jack barked shortly into the receiver, his mind still on the budget figures in front of him.

"Colonel O'Neill, this is Dr. Timothy Meck."

Immediately the myriad letters and numbers dancing in his brain whirled off in pairs to the sides of his skull.

"Yeah. Hey, Doc. Everything okay?" Jack asked casually, a frisson of fear spiking through his stomach when he glanced at his watch and realized Daniel should still be at the psychiatrist's office.

"Colonel, I need you to come to my office. Now. Is that possible?"

Jack unhesitatingly flipped the file folder closed and jumped from his chair, retrieving his car keys from his desk drawer. "Daniel?"

There was a short pause. "He's safe. I don't want to get into this over the phone. Can you come?"

"I'm on my way. Tell him I'll be right there." Disconnecting the call, Jack notified Hammond that he'd be leaving for the day and, without even stopping to change his clothes, except to trade his leather jacket for his BDU shirt, made a beeline for the surface and his truck.

Twenty seven minutes later, he burst through the doors into Dr. Meck's reception room. The older lady behind the desk didn't even flinch, just stood, an understanding smile stretching her lips, and ushered him into the inner sanctum of the office.

A man about half a foot shorter than Jack, slight of build, and sporting wire-rimmed glasses over lively green eyes, greeted him as he stepped out of a side door into the hallway. "Colonel O'Neill."

Jack took the proffered hand, absently noting the firmness of the other man's grip and the generous dusting of white amidst his light brown locks.

"Yeah. Where's Daniel?"

"Thank you, Margaret," Dr. Meck said to his receptionist. "Why don't you take an early lunch? I'll see you back here about one thirty."

Nodding acknowledgement, Margaret left them without a word.

Dr. Meck turned, gesturing for Jack to precede him. "Come on into my office. Daniel's just down the hall, sleeping at the moment."

"I need to see him." Jack asserted, his eyes raking the doors beyond, trying to determine which one his archaeologist was sheltered behind.

Inclining his head in a gesture reminiscent of Teal'c, Dr. Meck walked to the third door on the left. Turning the knob, he pushed the door open and stepped back, giving Jack access.

The late morning sun was severely curtailed by the long vertical blinds over the large window but enough suffused illumination crept through to give Jack a clear view of Daniel's slack form, face up on a leather sofa, his left arm dangling over the edge. Jack frowned at the hair clinging to his partner's damp temple and forehead, noting, too, the absence of Daniel's glasses. Daniel's mouth hung slightly open, breaths coming and going silently between his lips as evidenced by the steady rising and falling of his chest.

"You drugged him?" Jack grumbled lightly, trying not to make the inquiry sound like an accusation.

"I offered him a mild tranquilizer."

"And he accepted." Closing his eyes briefly in disconcertment, Jack took one last look at his unconscious lover and backed out of the room. "This tranquilizer put him out like that?"

"Actually, I think it was exhaustion. The tranquilizer just helped him relax enough to give in."

"He pushes himself too hard. Always has."

"Yes, I'm sure that's part of the problem," Dr. Meck said in such a cryptic manner that Jack swung his eyes from his lover to his lover's doctor, leveling the man with a steely stare.

Wholly unaffected by Jack's hard-ass colonel persona, Dr. Meck softly closed the door. "Let's go back to my office," he invited. "Daniel likely won't stir until we disturb him."

His lips tightening into a grim line, Jack followed the other man into a small, spare cubby mostly overtaken by a large oak desk. He swung his gaze to his right as he came in, and noted the large painted landscape dominating the wall. It was a tranquil scene, a hillock overhung by a large leafy tree. As the wall was opposite the desk, Jack wondered if the painting was meant more to calm the doctor than for the enjoyment of visitors.

Jack faced the wall directly in front of him, hung with diplomas and a few smaller paintings. Coming fully into the room, he grinned appreciatively at the bookshelves, filled to overflowing, which lined the walls behind the doctor's chair and to the right of his desk.

"I can see why Daniel feels comfortable here," he commented, nodding at the impressive collection as he lowered himself into one of the chairs before the desk.

Rounding the desk to his chair, Dr. Meck turned, his eyes following his visitor's gesture.

"When we did our initial interview, Daniel asked if it was alright to stand while we talked. I thought it an odd request since he was on crutches, but patients often find it easier to discuss their concerns if they can move about." Meck flashed an affable grin. "Daniel hobbled right to the bookshelf and perused the titles, caressing the spines with a reverent finger as he went."

Huffing a small laugh, Jack said with affection, "Yeah, he does that in his office, too, when he's nervous or distracted. Books seem to calm him." The smile faded and he shrugged. "I don't get it myself."

"Have you ever asked him about it?" Dr. Meck inquired, taking his seat and leveling Jack with a steady gaze.

"What? Why he likes touching books?"

"Why he finds the books calming," Dr. Meck clarified.

Jack held the man's stare. "I assume it has something to do with the fact that he loves knowledge."

Minutely inclining his head, Dr. Meck said vaguely, "It could be that simple."

Unsure whether the doctor's comment was meant to be taken at face value or whether he'd just been taken to task for missing entirely something the doctor found essential to Daniel's make up, Jack made a mental note to ask Daniel about the books. Feeling slightly off balance, a situation that always made him defensive, Jack decided to take control.

"So what happened this morning?"

Seemingly unshaken by Jack's commanding officer approach, Dr. Meck replied evenly, "Daniel had a breakthrough today. We covered some very painful territory."

"Painful enough he needed a tranquilizer."

"Yes," the doctor said flatly.

Jack shifted forward, the corners of his mouth tensing briefly. "Come on, Doc, you gotta give me more than that."

Dr. Meck lowered his eyes, seemingly reading something on the notepad in front of him.

Resting a hand on the edge of the desk, Jack waved a finger at the pad. "Daniel gave you permission to discuss his sessions with me."

"Yes, he did." The doctor brought his clear green eyes up, locking them with Jack's. Resting back in his chair, he added, "But I'm not certain that would be beneficial at this point."

Jack's lips parted in surprise, a reaction he quickly covered with a muttered, "You don't think it's good for me to know what upset Daniel this morning?"

"Not just yet, no."

'God, I hate psychiatrists,' Jack complained to himself. To Dr. Meck he asked, "Is there some particular reason why?"

"You have to understand, Colonel, my sole concern right now is helping Daniel come to terms with the violation he's suffered."

"I want that, too." Jack's severely lowered brow dared Dr. Meck to suggest otherwise.

"But you also want revenge against the perpetrators, don't you?"

"They're both dead," Jack ground out.

"Exactly."

Eyes widening slightly, Jack held Dr. Meck's discerning gaze, even as his defensive posture crumbled. Bringing a hand up to swipe agitatedly over the lower half of his face, he let out a quick breath. "I would never let my anger hurt Daniel, if that's what you're afraid of."

"Not intentionally," Dr. Meck qualified. "But I have to be certain, Colonel, that even unintentional feelings don't hinder Daniel's recovery. I don't have to remind you how bright he is, how intuitive.

When we talked in our last session about your relationship and how it might be affected by the rapes, Daniel said something very revealing. He said, 'Jack loves me. He just wants to protect me.'"

Having at first reflexively tightened his jaw at the psychiatrist's challenge, Jack shifted in his seat, consciously backing off his defensive stance as Dr. Meck continued.

"Daniel knows you're angry, Colonel and he has a ready mechanism set up through which to forgive you that anger." Dr. Meck watched him, obviously waiting for the significance of the words to sink in. "He's prepared to consent to your emotions at the expense of his own well-being. It's my job to make sure that doesn't happen."

Staring hard at the doctor for a second, Jack released a defeated gasp. "It's who he is, Doc. I've tried for years to get him to accept that his happiness is just as important as everyone else's. You're not going to change him."

"Maybe not," Dr. Meck conceded.

Jack blinked. "But, in the meantime, we can work on me?"

"I've got an opening tomorrow, two o'clock."

Drawing a deep, even breath and releasing it slowly, Jack nodded. "Two o'clock."

Dr. Meck pushed himself to his feet and made his way around the desk, gesturing when Jack likewise stood, for the other man to precede him out the door. "We did clear a significant hurdle today. Daniel's making impressive progress."

"When he wants something, he can be very determined," Jack concurred.

"Hardheaded is the word Daniel said you generally use."

Grunting ill-humoredly at the casual way the doctor intimated that he already knew more about Jack than the older man was strictly comfortable with, Jack stalked to the door behind which he knew his lover rested. In spite of his prickly mood, still Jack turned to the doctor, asking silent approval to enter Daniel's sanctuary.

Nodding his consent, Meck supplied helpfully, "His glasses are on the end table."

Entering noiselessly, Jack sighed somberly. Except for the fact that his arm now rested over his stomach, it didn't appear as though Daniel had moved since they last checked on him.

Angling his head to hide his scowl from the doctor, Jack raked Daniel's inert form with a long assessing look. He'd been aware, of course, that the younger man's sleep habits had once again gone to hell. Now that he was allowed to work, Daniel had done what Daniel always did — pushed himself to the very limits of his strength. But now Jack was beginning to wonder if Daniel's increasingly late hours at home were less about getting back up to speed on his translations and more about escaping demons that haunted his sleep.

The doc said Daniel had had a breakthrough, which probably meant that something had been building for some time. Why hadn't he seen it? The answer was immediate. 'Because Daniel didn't want you to know.'

Pursing his lips in affectionate annoyance Jack padded quietly to his lover's side. Reaching out, he paused, taking in the fat, salty tracks lining Daniel's cheeks, unmistakable evidence that his lover had shed copious tears. Now that he was closer, the puffy redness of Daniel's eyelids and nose were also easily discernable. Whatever Daniel and the psychiatrist had discussed today had clearly been immensely difficult for his lover to cope with.

Brow knotting in dismay, Jack quickly mellowed his features. Knowing that they would help only mildly with his partner's disorientation, still Jack snagged Daniel's glasses from the end table, before coming to his knee beside the couch.

"Hey," he whispered, gently shaking the shoulder closest to him. "You plannin' to stay here all day or would you like to go home?"

Daniel snorted softly and jerked awake. He swung heavy eyes in Jack's direction, confusion obvious in the dulled blue depths. After a moment, he vigorously scratched a spot just above his temple then slid his fingertips to his cheek, one finger lifting at the spot where it usually encountered the edge of his glasses, pushing phantom lenses aside to allow access to his right eye.

"Jack?" He rubbed the eye roughly, seemingly noticing only after his fingers wandered over the bridge of his nose to his left eye, that his glasses were missing. His brows lowered in perplexity when they floated into his field of vision.

"Thanks," Daniel muttered. Taking the glasses from Jack, he awkwardly settled them on his face. Sniffling, he absently scrubbed his damp knuckle on his pants.

"Don't mention it." Jack replied. "You wanna sit up?"

"Sure," Daniel said noncommittally, swinging first one loafer-covered foot then the other to the floor. With Jack's assisting hand still on his shoulder, he hoisted himself upright and leaned heavily against the back of the couch.

Closing his eyes for a few seconds, he swung his chagrined gaze to Jack, when the older man climbed from the floor to sit beside him on the edge of the couch.

"Sorry you had to come down here."

"Not a problem," Jack assured quietly, "I had to come down and meet the doc anyway. Better now than when we have our first session." Jack glanced to the doorway, surprised to find the doctor had apparently retreated, affording them privacy while he wakened his lover.

It took Daniel a moment to catch the significance of Jack's words, but Jack knew the moment they hit him when Daniel's mouth fell open slightly. "Oh," was all he said.

Jack's face split in an involuntary grin at the adorably dopey visage. He forcefully shook himself from his preoccupation with crystal blue eyes and shifted his grip to Daniel's bicep. "Come on; let's get you to your own bed where you can rest properly."

Giving himself over to Jack's care, Daniel allowed his lover to help him to his feet, leaning unresistingly against Jack's firm, steady form when the older man pulled him in for a hug.

"You okay?" Jack whispered against Daniel's temple before anointing the spot with a kiss. He frowned at the fine tremors of stress and fatigue vibrating through the body in his arms and instinctually pulled Daniel closer.

Nodding, Daniel burrowed his face into the comforting niche of Jack's neck, drawing in a huge draught of his lover's familiar scent.

His face contorting in a disconcerted scowl, Jack rubbed soothing hands across the broad shoulders beneath them. "Let's go home."

"'Kay," Daniel sighed, reluctantly lifting his head from its resting place. "I really am tired."

With a final squeeze, Jack guided Daniel to his side, wrapping an arm securely around the younger man's waist. Once Daniel's arm snaked its way behind his back to rest on his hip, Jack eased them out of the room and down the hallway.

They waved at Dr. Meck as they passed his office, Jack mouthing a 'thank you'.

Assisting his listing archaeologist into the truck, Jack strapped him in and made the thirty-five minute drive home in silence.

Arriving in his driveway, Jack jumped out of his truck, absently slamming the door. Daniel jerked, his eyes snapping instantly open. Cursing, Jack quickened his pace, but by the time he made it to the passenger side, Daniel had already fumbled his seat belt open and begun to slide out of the truck. Still, Jack stood waiting, arms ready to catch his unsteady partner when Daniel's feet hit the pavement.

Jarred by the less than gentle landing, Daniel slid gratefully into Jack's waiting arms. Leaning there for a moment, seemingly trying to absorb a measure of Jack's strength, he pushed himself to his full height and stepped back out of Jack's embrace. He glanced up into perplexed brown eyes and smiled. "Neighbors," he said by way of explanation.

"Let 'em get their own drowsy archaeologist," Jack muttered, letting his arms drop nevertheless. Swinging the passenger door shut as Daniel moved away, Jack turned and watched his lover weave his slow way to the front door. Careful not to startle Daniel, Jack sprinted past him and had the door opened by the time the younger man made it up the front steps.

Daniel dragged weary eyes up to Jack's face as he crossed the threshold. Grinning, he lifted his hand and briefly cupped his lover's cheek in thanks, before continuing his journey to the spare bedroom, where he had insisted on moving once he had become fully mobile.

Jack took the time to close and lock the door then traced his archaeologist's path. Standing in the bedroom doorway, he shook his head. Daniel was collapsed face down on the bed, his feet still covered by his worn brown loafers. Having dug the pillow out from under the bedspread, he clutched the majority of it to his chest, his head resting on one corner.

Tiptoeing to the bed, Jack sat gingerly on the side and rubbed a gentle hand down Daniel's back. "Hey, if you gimme a sec, I'll pull those covers down for you."

"S'okay," Daniel slurred, hugging the pillow closer. The slow, even rise and fall of the younger man's ribcage told Jack that Daniel had already fallen asleep.

Jack got up and slid the shoes from Daniel's feet, setting them carefully out of harm's way. He moved to the window and pulled the curtains closed, making doubly sure that no sunlight peaked through to disturb Daniel's rest.

Returning to the bed, he tugged the end of the bedspread from beneath the mattress and tossed it over Daniel's back. Moving to the other side, he gently tucked the end beneath his lover's slumbering form.

He stood back and regarded the man he loved, the long assessing look holding a mixture of worry and awe. Daniel had bravely battled through so much crap in the last few months, but apparently there was a hell of a lot more shit where that came from.

"Damn it," Jack snapped under his breath, "no wonder you're exhausted." Leaning down, he pushed away a fringe of bang, and kissed Daniel's forehead.

"I'm so proud of you, babe," he whispered into the ear beneath his lips, smiling contentedly when the corner of Daniel's mouth lifted at the words.

"You're gonna be fine. We're gonna be fine," he murmured emphatically.

He kissed the forehead again and pulled the covers over Daniel's shoulder, skimming his hand along the outline of the arm beneath. Sighing softly, he left his archaeologist to what he hoped were good dreams, but kept the door open just in case.

-36-

Nearly seven weeks after Daniel had been undone by feelings of hopelessness that had resurfaced when Dr. Meck had taken him back through his ordeal with Sarah, Jack was still trying to settle into his new routine of work, doctor's appointments and the occasional early morning nightmare — Daniel's and his own.

Sitting at the dining room table, sorting through a month's worth of household bills, he mused absently over the fact that lately he found comfort in the mundane.

"Jack?"

Jack signed his name with a flourish to the check he was writing and looked up.

"Daniel?" Almost immediately upon meeting Daniel's eyes, Jack could tell that the younger man was uneasy about something. 'Probably the cornered animal look,' Jack decided.

Daniel's gaze darted between Jack's ears and the top of his head, gliding across, but never actually landing for any length of time, on Jack's eyes. Leaning easily against the doorframe between the hallway and the dining room, Daniel's attempt to appear casual was utterly ruined by the hands that nervously pulled against one another at waist level.

'God, the last time his hands twitched like that, he was the star attraction in McKenzie's funhouse.'

Nearly choking on the knot that developed in his throat at the thought, Jack swallowed convulsively and set his pen down. "Daniel? Did you want something?" It took everything Jack had to keep his voice even.

Scraping his teeth across his bottom lip, Daniel took a hesitant step into the room. "I've been thinking," he announced.

Jack tipped his head back, a flippant remark perched on the end of his tongue. But Daniel's guarded demeanor suggested to Jack that he shouldn't make light of anything the archaeologist had to say just now.

"About what?" he asked nonchalantly, taking his cue from Daniel's feigned calm attitude. Snagging the nearest stack of papers, Jack pulled them closer to his face, ostensibly resuming his bookkeeping. But, while Jack's eyes appeared to be scanning the figures on his credit card statement, in actuality they were surreptitiously studying Daniel.

The chair scraped on the linoleum as Daniel dragged it from beneath the table, dropping onto the hard wooden surface with a soft whump. His hands drifted up and rested on the table, thumb nail still scraping at the already ragged cuticles of his fingers. Their worn condition testified to the fact that Daniel had spent some time in agonized solitary contemplation before approaching Jack.

Unable to tolerate the incessant fidgeting, with its reminder of their colossal screw-up, Jack gently placed his hand over Daniel's to still the motion. When unsettled blue eyes rose to meet his, Jack masked the dread that clenched his heart, smiling as naturally as he was able, and gave the hands a light squeeze.

"What's up?" he asked solicitously, setting the credit card bill on the table, a signal that Daniel had his undivided attention.

Daniel lowered his gaze from the scrutiny and slid his hands out from under Jack's. Winding his fingers together, the forefingers steepled, he placed the digits against softly pursed lips, tapping gently for a moment.

Finally, he pulled his hands away from his face, kneading them against one another on their way to his lap. Drawing a deep breath he looked determinedly into Jack's eyes. "I want to sleep with you," he blurted.

"Daniel..." Jack began, his mind inexorably sent back to the last time Daniel had made that claim.

"In, in our bed," Daniel clarified, knowing the source of Jack's ill-ease. "I want to sleep in our bed. Tonight."

Swallowing dryly, Jack searched his lover's face, "Are you —"

"I'm sure, Jack," Daniel nodded. "I miss lying next to you, listening to you breathe." Daniel's hand lifted slowly from his lap, dropping gently on top of the one Jack still rested on the table before him. "And the more I think about it, the more I know I want to wake up with you beside me."

Daniel's eyes dropped briefly to the tabletop. "I might not be ready for more than holding. I mean, I haven't even been able to..."

"Holding is good," Jack said encouragingly, determined to dissuade Daniel from worrying over his continuing inability to become aroused. He offered a crooked smile when Daniel's eyes darted to his face.

Tentative and shy at first, Daniel's corresponding smile rapidly blossomed, his entire face aglow. Flushing slightly, he absently watched his fidgety fingers dance over the back of Jack's hand.

Separating his fingers to capture Daniel's nervous ones between them, Jack laid his other hand on Daniel's forearm. "You okay?"

Daniel tightened his grip on Jack's hand. "I haven't felt this awkward since we first began dating."

"Well, in a sense, this is a new beginning," Jack declared. He skimmed his hand along his lover's arm. "We can't just jump back in where we left off. We'll take it slow and, eventually, we'll get there."

Daniel's forehead bunched briefly, the anxiety smoothing out the second his eyes locked with Jack's. "You sound so sure of that."

Sliding his chair to the corner of the table, Jack shifted closer, snaking his hand up Daniel's arm to cup the younger man's nape. Pulling Daniel to him, he gazed earnestly into the hopeful blue eyes, focusing his entire being on his next words.

"Daniel, neither of us knows how long it'll be, if ever, that you're ready for a physical relationship again. And even if this..." Jack touched his forehead to his Daniel's, "is as close as we're able to be, I'll take it. I would rather have fifty years of just holding you than five hundred years of continuous mind-blowing sex with someone else."

Daniel swallowed heavily. He closed his eyes and slid easily into Jack's embrace. "I love you," he whispered hotly against the older man's neck.

"I love you, too, Daniel. So damn much." Jack tugged his fingers from beneath the hand that still held them captive on the table and wrapped both arms securely around his love. Turning his head, he kissed the temple just beneath his chin. Pulling back when Daniel's face turned upward, he leaned in and placed his lips softly on Daniel's slightly opened mouth. Feeling Daniel's lips part further, Jack increased the pressure incrementally, until their lips glided wetly against each other.

As the intensity of the kiss increased, Daniel trembled and flung his arms around Jack's waist, grasping fingers digging almost desperately into the strong back for a secure hold. Once established, Daniel used the grip to pull himself more tightly against Jack's chest. His own chest straining with his obvious need for air, Daniel dragged it roughly through his nostrils even as his mouth began devouring Jack's, an exploratory tongue darting occasionally into the moist cavern seeking its counterpart.

With a muffled grunt, Jack released his hold on Daniel and reached behind his back. Prying the fingers from his shirt, he gently but firmly moved the younger man's hands between them and pushed him away, the separation eliciting a moan of complaint.

"Jack?" Daniel's heavy lids blinked rapidly over lust darkened eyes, his chest pumping to draw in breaths too long denied his lungs.

Pulling and releasing a few deep breaths of his own, Jack squeezed Daniel's agitatedly grasping hands. "I think we need to slow this down," he gasped, raising his eyes to his lover's, ill-ease compelling him to study them critically.

Daniel's brows bunched tightly over the bridge of his nose, the shadow in his eyes growing darker with worry. "Why?"

Keenly aware that Daniel could perceive his actions as rejection, Jack quickly kissed the stunned mouth again and backed away, maintaining the connection through their fixedly joined hands. Taking a moment to compose himself, cognizant of his lover's close scrutiny, he captured and held Daniel's gaze.

"Because not five minutes ago you said you weren't ready for more than cuddling. Remember?"

Daniel's mouth slid into a lopsided smile. "That was before you kissed me."

Shaking his head, Jack looked hard into the suddenly wary blue eyes. "You can't force a response, Daniel," Jack said gently, knowing from Daniel's tightened brow that he had correctly guessed Daniel's motivation.

Jack placed a quick peck on the knuckles of Daniel's left hand before releasing his hold on it. Pushing himself to his feet, he tugged at the other hand until the younger man also stood. "I want us back together as much as you do," he affirmed reassuringly. "But there's no need to rush it."

When the younger man's face darkened in discontent, Jack squeezed Daniel's hand to get his attention. "What would have happened if I hadn't pulled back just now?" Confident of the answer, Jack quickly added, "I won't put you in a position where you might have to stop me if you change your mind."

"I won't —"

"You won't stop me. I know. And that thought scares the hell out of me."

Daniel frowned. "I was going to say I won't change my mind."

Reaching up, Jack skimmed his fingertips along Daniel's jaw line. "You're not ready, love. This is too important. If I do this wrong, you could end up right back where you were four months ago."

Grasping his bottom lip with his teeth, Daniel stared searchingly at Jack, his eyes reflecting the significance of his thoughts.

"I'm sorry. I don't think I realized the burden you've willingly taken on." Leaning in to chastely brush his lips over Jack's, he whispered, "Can we at least still sleep in the same bed?"

Jack's face lit with a delighted smile. "Oh, yeah. We can even practice right now, if you want."

Daniel returned the smile. Moving easily to Jack's side, he slipped an arm around the older man's waist. "Practice is good," he said.

Jack's arm wound its way around Daniel's shoulders, pulling the younger man against him. Kicking the chair out of the way behind him, Jack pivoted and guided his lover towards the hallway.

Daniel laid his head against Jack's shoulder, walking contentedly side by side with him towards the bedroom. "Can't have too much practice," he murmured softly against his lover's arm.

"I'm worried about him, Doc. He's put so much pressure on himself. I'm afraid if something doesn't happen soon, he's gonna do something desperate."

Jack slumped forward, the entire weight of his upper body taken on by the elbows resting on his knees. Blowing out a forceful breath, he sat back quickly, rubbing a hand briskly over his face. "I can't believe I'm talking to you about our sex life," he snorted.

Janet Fraiser smiled gently. "I consider you and Daniel friends as well as colleagues and, occasionally, patients. I'm grateful that you feel confident enough in my opinion to put aside your discomfort to come and see me."

"Actually, it was Daniel's idea. Dr. Meck's okay, and, after talking to him these past few weeks, I'm confident he knows his stuff. But you've know Daniel and me a lot longer." Jack shrugged vaguely. "Anyway, Daniel senses I'm still uneasy and he thought another viewpoint might help."

Reaching over the arm of the couch to the end table beyond, Jack snagged the cup of coffee she'd offered when he first showed up. "I am grateful that you'd let me invade your home on your day off." He took a large gulp, wincing as he swallowed the tepid fluid.

"Want me to warm that up for you?"

Flashing a chagrined smile, he shook his head. "Nah, it's fine." He sighed wearily. "I just didn't realize until I got a mouthful of cold coffee how long I've been sitting here telling you my problems. I'm sorry to unload all of this on you."

"Consider it payback," she said with a good-natured laugh. "How many times have I come to you for help with Cassie?"

Jack accepted her reasoning with a nod and a slight smile.

"So," Janet prompted, "you're sleeping in the same bed."

"Yeah, for a couple weeks now," Jack confirmed, a distinct lack of enthusiasm coloring his response. Noting the curious lift of Janet's brow at his tone, he quickly clarified, "Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled we've got that back. And he seems to be doing okay with it."

"You had doubts?"

"We talked about it that first night and he admitted he's still afraid that being held while he's unaware of what's happening — like when he's asleep — might trigger a nightmare or a flashback. So we agreed, we'd snuggle until Daniel becomes drowsy, and then I'd let him go and turn away.

"The problem is I think he's putting too much stock in just the fact of our sharing a bed. Daniel's denied it, but I think he's expecting the routine of it to lead him back to a 'normal' relationship." Jack punctuated the word with air quotes.

"How so?"

Setting his cup aside with one hand, Jack agitatedly rubbed his forehead with the other.

"Daniel's too much in his head on this. He's thinking it to death. He's broken the whole situation down and analyzed the hell out of it, keeping it all very clinical and about the facts. It's almost like every move he makes has been carefully calculated to lead to an inevitable conclusion."

"Resumption of sexual relations," Janet surmised.

"Yeah. And sometimes he's so passionate..." Jack faltered, his mouth twisting in embarrassment. "Sorry, that's probably TMI."

"Its fine, Jack," Janet said steadily, obviously unperturbed by the intimate glimpse into their relationship. "It's good that Daniel is able to respond."

"But it feels forced somehow," Jack exclaimed worriedly. "I think he's afraid to let his emotions lead, you know, take his brain out of the equation."

"You think his reluctance to do that — trust his heart over his head — is inhibiting his recovery."

"Yeah. Well, it's more a matter of him not trusting his feelings at all, I think, that's making him rely so much on his reasoning. But, that route's not getting him the results he wants.

"He tells me he wants our relationship back the way it was before and I believe him. I believe that in his heart, he wants that as much as I do. But when we get too close, I feel him tense. The change is so subtle, that if I didn't know him so well, I might not even have detected it. And when I pull back, I can see in his eyes that his brain is working a million miles a second. Like he's trying to figure out what he should do next."

Janet sighed, a decidedly sympathetic sound. "I'm not surprised. Daniel's secure in his ability to think problems through and come up with solutions. He feels safe in his head. And, considering the fact that the last time he let his heart rule it ended in disaster..."

"You mean feeling sympathy for Sarah..." Jack couldn't help the sneer her name became, "letting her back into his life. Yeah, in that case, thinking with his heart was absolutely the wrong move." Pulling a sour face, Jack grumbled, "If only she hadn't been Goa'ulded. That's the one thing that would have made Daniel forget how much emotional damage she did to him."

Janet's brows drew together, her head tilting the slightest bit. "I know she was abusive. I don't think the details are important..."

"No, it's okay," Jack interjected, knowing she was seeking to protect Daniel's privacy by declining to require he expound on the matter. "Daniel said I should tell you whatever I thought you needed to know. He trusts you. We both do."

Returning her appreciative smile with a fleeting one of his own, Jack shifted uncomfortably, and blew out a calming breath.

"You know about Daniel's disastrous childhood, all those foster families?" His own head bobbing in response to Janet's vague nod, he continued, "Believe it or not, Sarah Gardner was the first person Daniel felt had ever made any real effort to 'connect' with him. After a lifetime of lukewarm relationships with foster parents and siblings, and disappointing associations with fellow students and colleagues who were either intimidated by him or were too jealous of his genius to want to get close, Daniel finally found someone who seemed genuinely interested in him. Little did he know that her only real interest was in what she thought he could do for her."

Feeling a little like he was airing too much of Daniel's dirty laundry, in spite of the fact Daniel had given him permission to divulge 'whatever' he thought necessary, Jack hesitated. Finally, realizing that the more Janet knew the better she could help, and knowing that she loved his partner almost as much as Jack did himself, he pushed aside his unfounded feelings of betrayal and pressed on.

"She knew exactly what she was doing. She plied him with attention and compliments, made him feel as if he was the most important thing in the world to her.

"Outwardly, Daniel was cautiously receptive of her attention; he'd had no experience with the kind of lasting relationship he thought Sarah was offering. But, believe it or not, in actuality, our little linguist had fallen in love almost immediately — something he has a hard time admitting, even to himself."

"After being without true affection for so long, it's hardly surprising that Daniel would wholeheartedly embrace someone who appeared so eager to be with him," Janet opined.

"'Appeared' being the operative word," Jack snarled. Janet raised a questioning brow and Jack clenched his jaw, anticipating the abhorrence his explanation was sure to engender.

"She strung him along like that for a while, conspicuously solicitous... even in bed. For the first few weeks, it was all about him, what he liked, what made him happy. Then one afternoon she teasingly asked him to let her tie his wrists to the bedpost." Jack bristled, taking belated umbrage on behalf of his lover. "From there it was a short hop to laying him out — spread-eagled, blindfolded and gagged — and basically doing whatever the hell she wanted to him."

"Oh, Daniel..." Janet whispered wretchedly.

Mentally shaking his head to clear it of the murderous thoughts that always assailed him when he remembered how Sarah had taken advantage of his lover, Jack absently employed one of the stress relief tricks Dr. Meck had suggested, clenching his fist and relaxing it, imagining his hatred for the woman draining from his body through his fingertips. Catching Janet watching his hand, he let it fall, palm down, onto his lap.

"Thankfully, Daniel got away from her after only two months, but it cost him — his position at the college, his academic career, his self-respect."

He expelled a short laugh, a decidedly caustic sound. "Ironically, Daniel's ability to trust himself suffered more than his capacity to trust others. He has no trouble believing you could love him — that ability is based on your experiences, not his. What he finds difficult is accepting that love. He also has a hard time letting himself trust his love for somebody else — at least romantically.

"You've heard how he met Sha're?" he asked rhetorically, knowing Daniel had shared the story with all of his friends. "When he finally figured out that Sha're had been offered as a willing gift, he never doubted her intentions or those of her people. But, he just couldn't let himself completely believe that what he felt for her was real."

Janet's mouth puckered into a surprised 'oh'.

Jack flashed an understanding smile. The notion that Daniel hadn't given himself, heart and soul, to the woman he had searched so tirelessly for, had grieved so heartbreakingly for, seemed thoroughly unimaginable.

"Daniel went through the Stargate just to get away from the life that been destroyed here; he wasn't looking for a new one there. But the good people of Abydos took it upon themselves to give him a wife," Jack explained gently.

"He got lucky with her, though." Jack's features warmed with a smile, his affection and gratitude for Daniel's lost love evident. "She was exactly what he needed — a sincere innocent who had no designs on him, who genuinely wanted just to please him. Dr. Meck thinks that the time Daniel spent with Sha're went a long way towards helping him regain some confidence in his emotional responses.

"He loved Sha're as much as he was able to love anyone at that time. And, she was content with that. Still, as if his guilt over his imagined role in her abduction by the Goa'uld isn't onerous enough, he's told me he regrets that he and Sha're didn't have more time together... because he believes he could have eventually offered one hundred percent of himself to her."

His eyes grew distant for a second, an odd smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, before Jack blinked his focus back to Janet's living room. "I had the advantage there. By the time I admitted to Daniel that I had feelings for him, we had know each other really well for quite a few years. Even so, he was very reluctant to start something with me.

"Eventually, though, I was able to break down that wall he kept trying to throw up. We've had our ups and downs over the years but, in the end, Daniel admitted that, when it really counted, I was there for him. He opened himself up to the idea of a relationship and... well, you know." Jack shrugged, a self-conscious smile raising slightly flushed cheeks.

His smile turned wistful. "Everything was really nice." The smile fled, chased from Jack's face by the next words he spoke, "Until Sarah Gardner came back into the picture."

He rubbed at the scowl knotting his forehead, and forcefully pushed an irritated gust of air between his lips. "Daniel just couldn't walk away from her. In spite of everything she'd done...

"Her reappearance brought back some bad memories for him, but we were working through them. Then Osiris took him..." Balling his hands, Jack lowered his head and pressed them firmly against his eyes. "Damn it!" he shouted, slamming the fists against the arms of his chair. "Why did it have to be the Goa'uld that previously possessed Sarah? Wasn't it enough that she got the chance to fuck up his life once? She had to get a second shot at him?"

Grinding out a frustrated growl, Jack slouched in his chair, seemingly sunk into the cushion by a ponderous weight on his shoulders. "You heard he had a breakdown in Dr. Meck's office the day they discussed his time with Sarah?"

"Yes. We had an appointment a few days after it happened. Daniel told me it took him by surprise. One minute he was talking about making love with Sarah and the next he was inundated with images of the abuse he'd suffered at her hands — and very quickly thereafter, he was overwhelmed with a sense of utter despondency."

"He never properly dealt with that first rape — and let's be honest, here, what she did to him was every bit as much rape as what Osiris did."

"I agree with you, Colonel. Daniel may have been a willing, if somewhat reluctant, participant in the beginning, but once he expressed dissent and Sarah continued to badger and coerce his cooperation, Daniel's involvement became nonconsensual."

Screwing up his face, Jack harshly lamented, "Why didn't I keep him away from her?"

Clearly unable to give him an answer, Janet offered a sad smile. Taking solace in her empathetic gaze, he banked his self-recriminatory ire slightly. "Daniel told you we fought about Sarah the night before he was kidnapped by Osiris?"

Janet nodded solemnly. "He also told me that nothing that happened afterward was your fault."

Jack's answering grin was decidedly pained. "Of course he did." Shaking his head, he exhaled a forceful snort, his anger ejected with the gust. "God, I really don't deserve him."

"That may very well be true," Janet agreed, no hint of humor in the remark. "But, luckily for you, Daniel has decided he can't live without you. So, worthy or not, he's yours."

Jack nearly choked on the lump her sober reminder created in his throat. Eyes misting over, he closed them to hold in thankful tears, and sighed brokenly. Distantly, he heard Janet clear her throat and his eyes snapped open at the sound. He hastily ran a thumb under his left eye and pushed himself straighter in his chair.

"You know," Janet said, "it really is amazing that he can function anywhere near close to normal after what he's been through."

"That's our Daniel," Jack replied, the remark curiously lacking any hit of pride. "But even he's got his limits. And being raped by Sarah's snake and finding out that her memories of that first rape were responsible... it's brought back that same sense of self-doubt he had when he left Chicago all those years ago. I suppose I should be grateful he didn't run off to another planet like last time." Jack's lips curved upward, but the expression came nowhere near qualifying as a smile.

Janet offered a faux smile of her own. "I assume you've discussed your theory concerning Daniel's reluctance to open himself up emotionally with him and with Dr. Meck," she ventured, bringing them back to the original purpose for Jack's visit.

"Yeah, of course. Daniel's not buying it, but even Dr. Meck thinks his resistance to even considering the possibility is based on Daniel's fear that I might be right. That it would be beneficial to just let his feelings have full rein."

"You know, Jack, it occurs to me that Daniel's brain is not as big an enemy as you believe. Intellectually, Daniel knows he can trust what he's feeling. I think that's why he's let you back in so readily."

Jack's scarred brow rose and fell rapidly. "I'll give you that," he said, genuine thanks in his tone, "but right now it's getting in the way more than it's helping."

"So, we have to teach Daniel how to turn off his brain and act solely on his feelings. Any idea how we can do that?"

Jack pulled a wry face. "Dr. Meck wants to try hypnosis."

"You must have loved that suggestion," Janet grinned knowingly. "What does Daniel have to say?"

"He's thinking about it." Jack flashed an exaggerated grin, highlighting the irony of the comment in the present conversation. He raised his eyebrows and shrugged when Janet rolled her eyes.

"I don't really understand what Meck hopes to accomplish. He said something about getting Daniel's brain to communicate with his body or something. But it seems to me, his brain is the problem."

"Hypnotherapy can be an effective tool in helping a patient focus their mind on a specific sensation or thought — in this case getting Daniel to act on what he's feeling naturally instead of thinking out his moves. I've seen it used successfully to control pain and alter behavior. You have to understand, though, it isn't a sure thing."

Jack smirked, hooked his hands around the arms of his chair and, grunting, pulled himself to his feet. "Well, you know I'm not a big fan, but I'm willing to try it. The way he's going now, Daniel's just frustrating the hell out of himself."

"And you?" Janet asked from her position on the couch. The concern in her eyes took away any apprehension he might have had that she found their predicament humorous.

"I'm hanging in there," he said quietly.

Janet eased herself off the couch and took the three steps to him at a slow, subdued pace. Smiling encouragingly, she gripped his hand, squeezing firmly. "Well, if you need to talk some more, my door, either of them, is always open."

Jack nodded, flashed a grateful smile then reached out and pulled her into a tight hug. "Thanks, Doc."

"He's getting better, Jack," she soothed, her hands kneading his back offering additional comfort. "He'll make it back. Daniel always makes it back."

Part 13

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